Squeaky’s Blog

“I’m not happy!”  This is what WC always says to me when he doesn’t get his way.  Today though this is how I feel.  I have been waiting 2 months to go to this concert and I can’t go!  DP is taking college classes again so Saturdays are when he catches up and does all his work.  This means I have the kids and we normally try to stay out of his hair for the day.  It was going to be a great day.  We were going to go to the park where the concert was and just enjoy life and the music.  Well life had a different plan for us.  We woke up to rain and gloom.  Then to top it off its cold outside and if we go to the outdoor concert all of us will get sick.  Thus we decided to go to the store and get out of DP’s hair for a bit and hope it would warm up and the rain would stop.  Yeah that didn’t happen.  It seems to have gotten colder and is still rainy.  That’s not the kicker though.  The worst part is that when we were in the store something has set off some of my allergies.  I normally don’t have allergies, not even the seasonal kind but today something is driving me crazy.  I have one eye all itchy and watery that feels all kinds of swollen and I can’t stop sneezing.  I just want to scream and say “what the hell?”  Why today of all days.  I mean it’s like there is someone higher force that is keeping me from going by stopping me in my tracks.  I took some Benadryl though and hopefully it will kick in and I will feel better just in time to make dinner.  Oh but how I already said I wasn’t cooking tonight and we were ordering out!  I don’t care what we eat but I am so not cooking tonight.  I am on strike because “I am not happy!”

I decided to try to go back to work.  I keep hearing people talk about how hard it is to get a job and I have had 3 offers since we moved here in February.  The first was supposed to be a trainer position for a life insurance company but you had to start as a sales person first.  So, yeah that wasn’t going to happen.  The second one was to be a manager on duty for a local movie store.  They wanted to pay minimum wage and give 20 hours a week.  So once again that wasn’t going to happen.  Then I called a few Vet Clinics and what do you know I had a job.  I started on Tuesday morning.  It was just a receptionist position so this was something I could do in my sleep.  I have worked for the Army for years in Vet Clinic’s after all.  I am a quiet person at times but for the most part I like to talk and am usually the goofy one.  I make faces, skip in the halls, and do crazy silly things because I hang out with the kids all day and I think it’s just embedded in me.  But this was my first day and I was tired from being in the ER with Giggles all night.  So, knowing all the things that normally piss off the doctors I stayed up front and did the busy work.  You know the work that takes time but you never want to do.  I filed all the files from the morning clients and pulled the next days and got them in order as to how they were coming in.  I had been answering phones, and learning the computer system.  That was the funny part because at first the office manager told me she was going to wait to teach me but hey it’s slowing down and there wasn’t anything else for me to do so I started checking people out.  I had been sitting back taking note of everything, how the clinic ran and seeing where they needed a little work.  I noticed that the only time they talked was when it was to bitch about a client.  I noticed how they were somewhat rude to clients without being completely obvious.  I saw how they yelled across the counter to the clients instead of completely checking them.  There were a lot of little things that they could have done to make the clinic more efficient and run smother but it was my first day so I kept my mouth shut.  I figured in time I would bring up ideas but today was not the time.  Well lunch time came around and everyone went to lunch and I sat outside and ate and walked around the farm looking at the horses.  Then after lunch was over they started getting clients in again slowly so there wasn’t much to do and one of the receptionists asked me to come with her.  I followed her to the back and said cool you have something for me to do.  That was when she told me it wasn’t going to work out.  I looked at her and said what?  I am being fired?  Why?  I thought maybe I had pissed of a client or one of the doctors and waiting for the answer trying not to cry I was told the doctor said I was too quiet.  Too quiet!  It’s my first day it’s only been 4 hours.  What did she expect me to come in and be loud and obnoxious?  I know I was told they tried to tell her but apparently the doctor had made up her mind.  I was told sorry and that if she the doctor didn’t want me there than I didn’t want to be there either.  She would make my life hell they said.  I was upset and confused and then was told they would write me a check for my time.  What I don’t even want the money I told the receptionist.  I called DP all upset and told him what happened and he came to get me.  He had a hundred reasons of why and that it was BS and wanted to go in and yell at them.  He said no one gets fired on their first day.  Well I just did and it only took me 4 hours.  He tried to make me feel better and I love him for that and then he took me to his office where our friend who had the boys and my car was going to meet me.  Yeah I didn’t have a car I had decided that since the job was a two week trial that I would have a friend keep the boys, my car and take WC to school and just pick me up when I got off.  This way if it didn’t work out I could keep him in the same school and wouldn’t have to put either one of the boys through so much change for nothing.  I am glad I did it that way because WC doesn’t like change and this was going to give him time to get used to everything.  But in the end I didn’t have to change a thing.  I am contemplating looking again.  I really do like staying home and the freedom of not having a job but I would love the extra money.  I have called a few Vets in town and they all want me to come in and drop off a resume and fill out an application for when they do have an opening but I am not sure I want to.  I know the saying when the horse bucks you off get right back on.  I know that I should just suck it up and keep on trying but in the end I am not completely sure that working is what I want to do.  I want to go back to school and get my degree.  I want to work but I also love my time with the boys and I am just not sure I am ready to give that up.  Who knows only time will tell.  I just hope I can make it past 4 hours on the next one.           

After a long and horrible few months things are finally starting to look up.  I have been so preoccupied by everything that I haven’t wanted to do anything.  The house is a mess and so today cleaning is on the agenda.  I don’t even know where to start, so I will start at the beginning.  When we moved here in February, we asked the realtor about every house we looked at, if it was possible it would be foreclosed and finally after two weeks of searching we picked a house.  It was a roller coaster of emotions.  We were all crammed into a hotel the 4 of us, the dog, 2 cats and my brother in law for a bit.  Then when we moved in and had our things were delivered and it was starting to look good.  We love the yard which is a big sand dune.  The house is nice, it works and I like it.  I wouldn’t buy it but it’s a really nice rental.  After about a week in the house Giggles started getting sick and then WC too.  They had 4 trips to the doctors in 2 weeks and both made a middle of the night trip to the ER.  At the end of the month they were finally getting better.  Then thinking March will be a good month, things started to go wrong again.  The people that were renting our house in Oklahoma started complaining about everything.  It was sad and stressful thinking that a screw was loose and they wouldn’t pick up a screw driver to tighten it.  They thought that we should pay a repair man to come out since it wasn’t their house.  They didn’t understand that it is their responsibility to maintain the house.  Then I get a letter that says Giggles doctor’s appointment wasn’t covered by Tri Care.  So, still being the beginning of March I called Tri Care and the doctor’s office every week at least to try to correct the problem.  Then we are in April and I am still trying to fix the Tri Care issue and start to work on the house in Oklahoma, it needed a new fence.  I had gotten an estimate before we left and had the measurements, and knew what I wanted done.  The rental company didn’t want to pay any money up front so they called around and got estimates.  Then when they had them I asked does it included the walk through gate, the drive through gate, and the 116ft of fencing that was forgotten the first time around.  Just as I thought they didn’t have the gate’s added in the price and so I asked again if they had the 116ft of fencing added in.  I was assured that was the correct price.  That was about 3 phone calls in one morning and a few hours later when I am sitting in the post office with the cashier’s check getting ready to seal the envelope that my cell phone rings and it’s the rental company.  They are telling me that they forgot the 116ft of fencing and that the company putting it up is going to give me metal posts for the price of wood because of all the confusion, but they still need just under $1100 more.  I wanting to scream through the phone to them just said okay and back to the bank I went.  Once it had all been mailed I called the realtor back to let them know the money was coming and the amount of the checks.  That’s when I wanted to lose it for a second time that day.  The realtor then told me that I had sent too much and they would send back $500.  I once again just said okay and let it go.  I figured when they realized they were wrong they would call or I would get the money back.   My poor husband though got to listen to me vent a few times, but the fence was going to go up.  It was going to be a few days though since the rain had been so bad the ground had to dry up a little.  The middle of April was upon us and I was still fighting with the doctor’s office and Tri Care, the fence was up at the Oklahoma house and things were going to start looking up.  I was changing doctors office’s because it was one thing I could control that was easy to fix.  That’s about the time the realtor called me to let me know the renters were breaking the contract and moving out.  I was pissed because the market is so bad we can’t sell it and even get what we bought it for.  Then I just paid over 3 thousand for a new fence that could have been put to a mortgage payment if no one was in the house.  I spent a week on the phone with everyone I could think of really.  I called lawyers, realtors, the bank and loan officers (trying to find out about refinancing or selling) and it was just the worst week, at least that’s what we thought.  Then it was Monday morning the following week and a little after 8am there was a knock on the door.  I was shocked to be told that the house was going into foreclosure and that we were going to have to move.   I spent another week on the phone with every one again trying to figure out what my options were and was told I didn’t have any.  Then at the end of the month I went to pay the rent that was pointless since the owner wasn’t paying his mortgage and that’s when things started to go right. They were going to let me out of my contract and let me move.  Though for some crazy reason the owner of the house had my security deposit so I was never going to see that again.  So, I get to stay here for a month basically for free and we are house hunting again.  I think I spent a week looking at houses and had finally narrowed it down to 4 houses all having fences this time.  My realtor from Oklahoma called me with good news to let me know that my house had rented and for the higher price.  Things should have been looking up for us but that night I actually lost it.  I thought I was going to pass out when the room started spinning and I could barely get to the bathroom since I was about to throw up.  Somehow I made it there and DP got me water and a few minutes later I was better.  Scared out of my mind but better and the next morning we were going to see houses so I just went to bed.  When we got up I still felt funny and had decided to look at the houses since it was our only chance and I would go to the doctors later.  We finally made it to the realtor’s office to go look at the 4 houses and found out they forgot to ask if we could take our pets.  The news was bad only one house was then an option.  We drove out there and it just wasn’t a real option there was no fence like said and it was small.  Our last resort was to check out 2 other houses one having no fence, a small yard, but in a great area.  The other house was small but had a fence and apparently backed up to an alley and a back entrance to some stores.  That house was then not an option either.  We decided to take the house in the nice area with no fence.  We signed yesterday and will start to at the end of the month.  I am hoping this will be a new start for us a chance for things to actually go right.  We will be 15 minutes from DP’s office instead of 40 and we can walk to a few different lakes in the neighborhood.  We won’t have a sandy back yard but we get fruit trees and a screened in porch.  I go back to the doctors on Friday and get test results back.  Hopefully it really will be stress related and by writing this I will have relieved some of that stress I have been carrying around.  Though, moving will bring on a whole new stress but they are things I can somewhat control.  I am looking forward to a new start with no worries.  I get to meet the owners of the new house next weekend and hopefully everything will work out for a change.  We have new doctors that I like, even if it is a little bit of a drive it’s not a hard drive and all worth it.  It’s a lot like the clinic we had in Germany before we left.  I like that small town feel where you have everything in one location.  I am hoping to be able to get this move over and done within a week since that’s all the time we have to do it in.  DP is going to talk to the Army since the DOD is starting to help out soldiers that are being forced to move because of the rental house being foreclosed.  If we are lucky they will move us or pay for us to do it.  So, once again I will start calling on Monday for answers and hopefully they will be good ones.  In the mean time I guess I have cleaning and packing to do all while trying to limit my stress level.  The joys of life sometimes they really do make us stronger.  

Well I had an interview for a job last week and it turns out that I got it.  I was happy at first until they told me how much the pay was.  I wanted to scream.  The job wouldn’t even cover day care for the boys.  Hello, I made that clear when I interviewed with you.   Then there were just a ton of other factors that didn’t add up.  I really don’t understand people sometimes.  I had an interview the week before with another company and it wasn’t a scam but it was selling life insurance.  I was very clear on the phone with the company that I didn’t want to sell insurance and they reassured me that it was for a training position.  So, yeah I went and was so pissed.  It turned out to be a mass interview and so much other crappy factors.  I think I will be giving up in a way.  I want to work for different reasons, but I think for now I am going to stick to staying home until the fall.  In the fall the Army is going to let soldiers sign their GI bills over to family members.  So, I think once that goes through I will go back to school and not worry about a job again for a while.  Who knows we will see how it goes since plans never really seem to work out.  This time though the Army says we are here for 3 years and won’t be going anywhere.  I hope that is true.  I really like this place so far. 

I am sitting here wondering what happened to my week.  I had the whole week planned out and now it seems to be pointless.  I was going to babysit on Tuesday and Thursday which left today and Wednesday for relaxing.  Friday I had this big trip to the city planned.  Now it seems it’s all falling apart.  I ran a few errands today, picked up the house and raked leaves, which is never ending.  Tomorrow I am not sure what to do expect more yard work.  The little girl I was going to watch is sick and won’t be here and I am not sure if she will be here on Thursday either.  Then my trip to the city seems to be becoming less needed.  I do need to go to get the baby’s birth certificate.  I could get it mailed to me if I just sent in the paper work.  I may end up doing that depending on where we move to.  My mother in law has also offered to watch W.C. on a Friday if I want to go to the city without him.  That would be a great help since it would take an hour just to get the birth certificate and an hour and half up to the city.  Then the trip back.  I don’t know though I was going to go and hit a few stores that I love like Target and Babies R US.  I have specific reasons for going to both, but now they seem less needed as well.  I was going to go to Babies R US for a baby shower gift but it seems someone beat me to it.  Then Target I had a gift card and I can just use it online and not have to drive up there and get it mailed to my house for less.  Now, I am just wondering what I am going to do with myself and the boys for the rest of the week.  It’s kind of depressing thinking about it.  I think some of it is because my husband is gone.  If he were here we would have dinners to make and him coming home to look forward to.  Oh well life goes on and we will find something to do.  I think we may go for some walks and do more yard work.  That went over ok.  The baby got tired of being in his jumper and started screaming so we had to wrap it up fast.  The back yard is so covered in leaves I am thinking of just blowing the patio off and then running the lawn mower.  That would be much faster and easier.  Who knows we will find something to do.  We have play dough and some paints that we could play with to pass the time.  The play dough is always a hit with W.C. and it takes up a lot of time.  The paint is something we haven’t tried yet.  I guess we just might have to now to pass the time.  All we seem to have is time these days.  But hey it’s time with the boys and that is always a good thing. 

We all have moments, moments where we are as sweet as the sickly sweetest desserts and then moments where we are the biggest cow patty in the field.  I know that there are many things going on in my life which all effect my moments.  I have had a lot of stress and so I have been the big cow patty a lot lately.  I think most of it has been directed towards my husband.  There are many reasons and some may have been undeserved over the last few weeks.  He says “seriously” or “Are you serious?” and it drives me crazy.  He really can be sweet though.  I forget that sometimes and then it just hits me like a light bulb over my head.  He has always called me gorgeous.  He calls me that when he comes home it’s “Hello gorgeous.” Or when he leaves it “Bye Gorgeous.” And just plain all the time and it’s really sweet.  But it was the other day on the phone when he was telling me how sorry he was and how bad he felt leaving me to handle selling the house, having to keep it show ready, pack it up and possibly moving us again by myself with the boys for a second time.  I know it’s not his fault and it’s just part of being in the Army.  I tried to tell him that I am in no way mad at him for any of it and that it’s just part of our life.  It’s funny in Germany we don’t get real commercials.  We have AFN (Armed Forces Network) commercials and there is one that says you know you’re a military family when you have spent one holiday in the Chow Hall (it’s the Army’s Cafeteria) and I think that may be us this year.  It’s not a bad thing and it may not happen but it won’t be the worst thing in the world either.  After all we are a military family and we take it in stride and do what we have to, remembering along the way that it’s what we signed up for.  So, with everything going on if I am a little snappy over the next few weeks it’s because I am having a moment and it like all others will pass just bare with me until then.    

My husband’s grandfathers 80th birthday is coming up.  I had said I was going to make a brag book for him.  It was supposed to be something small, quick and easy.  That’s a joke right now.  It has become an actual project.  I don’t mind that it is taking more time or has become bigger than I expected since, I don’t have to spend a dime.  I have everything I need here at the house.  The real issue is trying to find the time to do it.  I started on it late and now I have to finish it by Thursday.  I just got all the pictures together tonight in the right place in the book.  I have to make then look cute and tack them in place.  So, it shouldn’t be too bad.  I just am going to have to do it when the boys are sleeping.  W.C. started grabbing it all and trying to cut and I almost blew a gasket.  I feel bad since he wants to help and he loves all that craft stuff.  I think I am going to try to work on it tomorrow when the baby naps and let W.C. do his own thing with his papers.  That way he gets to do something he likes and I get to try to finish it.  If, I am lucky then the baby will also be good for us while we are working and sit happily for a bit since he still takes very short naps.  Then when he is awake he wants to be the center of it all.  So, hopefully we can get it done and have some fun.  It will be nice to have it done early and gives us all something to do together.  I have so many things I need to do so one less is always a little stress relief and wow do I need some right now.    

We are in the process of getting everything ready to move and sell the house.  So, today my husband was in the garage and found some old CD’s that I had been looking for.  They were the ones with family pictures that had been missing.  I was so happy they were found.  I came straight in and put them on the computer.  It was one of those things when you think something is lost that you can never replace and then you find it.  I was so excited when I started looking at the pictures.  It brought back so many memories.  They were mostly of my oldest as a baby.  In the stack there was a CD with pictures we had from a fest in Germany, before the kids.  There I was a younger, skinnier, looking me.  I was pregnant with the oldest but only a few months so I wasn’t showing.  We had so much fun that night and you could see it in the picture.  It was a time when we were hardly stressed out or worrying about anything.  Now, when I look back things were so much simpler.  There was no trying to hurry to get somewhere on time.  This is almost impossible now.  There was no last minute grab this or that just in case.  It was I am done we can go now.  When I look at them now things seem like I am totally different.  Some ways are good I have two beautiful boys that I love, and a husband that loves me still and vice versa.  I don’t know though.  I feel I am or have become someone else.  Maybe, it’s because I have grown up and become an adult as some would say.  Maybe, it’s because I am a mom now and look at life different.  I think any way I look at it I am not what I want to be.  I want to be less stressed out.  I want to be a little skinnier.  I want my hair to be less of a wreck than it is now.  I seem to look and feel ten times older than I am.  I want that to be that girl in the picture with her hair done, make up on, and totally at peace with her life and self.  So, today that has been bugging me.  How do I get that back?  My wonderfully sweet husband told me that I am as pretty as ever.  That maybe the case, but he has to say that doesn’t he?  I feel like it’s time for a New Year’s resolution without the New Year.  I almost feel like I am having a midlife crisis like a man does.  It’s sad in a way.  My life is good, but yet I feel like I haven’t done anything I want to and become someone I don’t want to be.  I think between looking at the pictures and the move that’s about to change our life completely.  That this is a good time for me to take a step back and change some things about me too.   Don’t misunderstand me.  I love my husband and kids.  They will always be my biggest concern and joy.  I just want me to be more me and less this overstressed mom that’s always a wreck and pulling my hair out.  I want to smile more and fuss less.  I want to look and feel like I did years ago.  Maybe that isn’t possible after two kids but I sure can try and make an effort to change things.  I want to do a lot of things and I am hoping that this move will help to achieve some of those things.  Who knows maybe my husband will go to school and get stationed right back here and we can keep our house and not have to move.  That wouldn’t be the end of the world and I can still achieve all of the things that I want to with one less hurdle to overcome.  Only time will tell what the Army has in store for us.  In the mean time we will continue to be Army Strong and change together for the better.   

I have been trying to join all these groups to help get the word out for my site.  They also have all kinds of ideas.  For the first time I have joined any kind of group I have met a lot of nice people and not one snotty person.  That has meant a lot to me, since the people I have been meeting lately all seem to have sticks up their asses.  I have to give a shout out the moms at www.mombloggersclub.com they are one amazing group of women and 1 dad too.  Through them I learned about twitter another site www.twitter.com and gained some new friends.  I was reading some of the twitters/tweets and one mom asked if you had ever read a blog that the blogger sounds like they don’t like their kids.  This has been bugging me all day.  I am one of those persons that over thinks everything and take most things personal no matter how hard I try not to.  I have no idea what she read and got the thought from.  I just hope it wasn’t from anything I wrote (wow do I sound vain).  I know I talk about my kids and all the things they do that drive me crazy a lot.  It’s my way of venting to get everything out and part to any mom that can relate and not feel alone.  I love my kids with every fiber in my body and I like them too.  They are unbelievably cool.  I think almost everyone likes them.  My oldest right now is just in the terrible three’s as my mom calls it.  I think sometimes he knows just the right buttons to push.  I tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and I don’t like it but that I still like and love him.  I want him to know that even if I am mad at his actions that I still love him.  I think he knows that and I try to reinforce that to him all the time.  So, if you ever read anything on here that makes you think I don’t love or like my kids then just comment back to me.  I even asked my husband about it and he thinks that sometimes you can get the frustration from my blog.  That makes me wonder then what other people take from it.  He is a bad person to ask since he knows me.  So, I only hope that I don’t sound like that and that people understand where I am coming from when I talk about my kids.  Now maybe I can get it out of my head because that’s all I have thought about today.

There are a ton of moms out there blogging and all have different ideas and ways to increase traffic to your blog.  I have been reading all these posts and now I am in overload.  I don’t totally understand it all and am trying to figure it out.  There are all kinds of things you can do with your site and different links that you can add.   With each new one comes something else new to learn.  I have been reading off and on all night and still don’t have the answers I wanted.  I guess I am going to put it all off until tomorrow.  Then hopefully have my husband can help me to put all of it together and sort it out.  It has been a long day.  We didn’t do much today.  I watched the neighbor’s son last night and he ended up just spending the night.  So, this morning the boys were running around playing.  Then Grandma came over and sat with the oldest while I took the baby to get his shots.  That was so much fun.  NOT!  I am proud of myself though.  I told the ladies in the shot clinic what I thought about them for the first time in two years.  They started the 50 questions of why I didn’t bring the baby in the day he had his well baby appointment.  I am so sick of the attitude from people at the hospital that I told them saying “Well, this clinic isn’t exactly family friendly and I have a 3 year old and I waited to bring the baby when I had someone to watch him.”  They asked if I meant the shot clinic or the hospital in general.  I told them that it was just them and I figured what the hell and told them a few other things.  I think they were shocked but I was in and out in no time and they didn’t even make me wait to leave because you are supposed to wait 15 minutes before leaving the office.  I totally forgot until just now.  Oh well the baby is fine and we were in the hospital for a while after the shots anyway.  The only nice thing about it was a friend had a baby the other day and we got to visit them in the nursery.  Then it was time to come home and make dinner which was a pain because the baby was cranky by that time.  Now, it’s late and my husband is in bed the oldest is fighting sleep.  He keeps walking in here every few minutes with something to tell me.  But hey, I know someone loves me tonight, since that’s his big news.  Poor kid needs to go back to a routine and stick with it.  Until then I am stuck waiting on him to fall asleep.  The baby is in a baby bouncer/vibrating thing so I have to move him before I can go to bed too.  Oh the joys of being the mom.  I have laundry to do like crazy, rooms to clean and dishes to do.  Thankfully it’s supposed to rain like crazy tomorrow so we get to be inside and I can get it done.  The real trick is to keep it up afterwards.  It seems that I can clean and somehow it is ruined within a few days.  I have toys trickled all over the house right now.  Every time I get it under control something else happens and we get to start over.  It’s never ending I think sometimes.  But you know the kids will leave the house one day and I will wish they were back toys, laundry, extra dishes and all.  In the mean time I will just cherish all the late night “I love you, mommy” I can get.