Squeaky’s Blog

I always tell the boys that hate is a strong word and they should never hate anyone.  Yet, I find myself hating my mother in law more and more.  Every time I think I am getting over it and things could go back to the way they were when we got along something happens.  Today was supposed to be a good day.  It’s nice out we planned on cleaning inside and maybe a bike ride.  Now I am trying to calm down from another stunt of hers.  It all started going down hill in September 2007.  There was a bunch of family drama that I will keep out for DP’s sake.  But in September of 2007 my mother in law who I now call the monster in law moved in with us.  She only lived with us for 4 months.  In that time DP and I were miserable.  We fought and talked about divorce so many times.  Then finally on Christmas Eve it was so bad we almost spilt right then.  But we went outside in the cold and talked about everything that had happened in the last 4 months. The Monster moved out the first weekend in January 2008.  Things were going back to normal but somehow she kept causing us grief.  It wasn’t as often and we were trying to let go of the past and move on.  Then we got orders and I thought it would be over we could move on finally.  She would be in Oklahoma and we would be in Florida.  How was she going to cause trouble now?  Well that’s when I remember if there’s a will there is a way.  Last year when Giggles birthday came around she sent a card with a gift certificate for both Giggles and WC.  I was upset but after thinking about it I decided to let it go and see what happened.  WC’s birthday came around and nothing for Giggles just a gift certificate for WC.  Okay very upset again but maybe she forgot.  We made another excuse for her.  Then she took it upon herself and did something so very nice for us and made it possible for us to go to Thanksgiving in SC with the family.  Wow, I thought she must be turning a new side so let’s give this a try.  Then it came to Spring Break and I took the boys to NC to see my grandmother and planned a surprise trip to SC to see DP’s grandparents.  Well my mistake I posted it on Facebook and she told them I was coming.  She told them after she put a nasty little comment about how she didn’t know I was going and how she guessed the only way she would find anything out about the boys was through Facebook.  I called DP and asked him to call his mother and tell her not to tell and to talk to her about the boys.  This is when I found out he had just talked to her last weekend.  So yet again she was starting drama and we let it go.  Then it was right before or right after Giggles birthday she called and asked what to get him.  In the end she basically said to email her what we decided and she would do that since everything I suggested she couldn’t get him.  Like he needed new shoes and a bike helmet and those are things he needs to be in the store with you to get.  I said okay and then I forgot.  DP and I just got busy and we thought about it a few times but never got around to sending the email.  Well today I get the mail and there is a card in it for WC from her but nothing for Giggles.  Now normally I let the boys open their own mail but I wanted to make sure she hadn’t stuck a gift certificate in it for Giggles too.  I think that was too nice of me.  All it was was a card saying how much she loved WC.  Now I am pissed.  She has the nerve to mail stuff to WC all the time.  She sends him cards and coloring books and letters all the time.  But has never sent Giggles a thing just because.  Giggles was around 6 months before she got him a thing, not a card, no welcome to the world, no baby shower gift, nothing.  But she came to the hospital the day after he was born for an hour.  She came to the house and took WC on Fridays to the movies or out shopping.  She has always had time for WC and always tried to think of him and I am glad she does, but at the same time I hate her for the way she treats Giggles.  I swear it’s because Giggles is another boy.  She wanted a granddaughter and so do other family members.  The others we know want one but they have only once made a comment and it wasn’t even towards Giggles just in general.  The rest of the family loves Giggles and treats the boys the same.  My mom says I should let WC have everything she sends to him or he will resent me later in life.  But how do I let the Monster hurt my other child too?  Giggles cried today when he didn’t get any mail and yes he is only 2 but he understands.  WC understands and I am sure he realizes what’s going on.  I wish I could make her love him.  I wish she would treat them the same.  I wish DP didn’t have to see this side of his mother.  I wish I didn’t have to be the one to tell him.  I wish I didn’t have the vindictive bitch in me saying I hope that bitch never lives to see a granddaughter.  I wish I wasn’t a hypocrite for hating her and telling the boys hatred is wrong.  I wish I didn’t feel I have to protect my boys from someone that I shouldn’t have to protect them from?  I wish a lot of things.  But how do I explain to Giggles that his Grandmother just doesn’t seem to love him the way she loves WC?  When he asks me why how do I say the only reason we know is because you weren’t a girl?

When it comes to the safety of your family, you find yourself doing almost anything.  This became true for my family about a year ago.  We had a family member that had one of those crazy boyfriends.  He beat the crap out of them a few times and threatened to kill them.  Once we found out they moved in with us for a while.  So, my husband who wanted to keep everyone safe went out and got a gun.  Now, we have one in the house and it’s kept safe for our kid’s sake thus giving a false sense of security.  Yes, we have one and could use it if we needed.  It is kept unloaded and not put together.  I know where it is and how to load it and get it ready.  The problem comes when for whatever reason we need to get to it.  Unlike T.V. things happen fast usually too fast to think.  So, when the person is in the house and my kids are in different areas of the house you are faced with a decision.  Do you run around and get the kids?  Do you run to the gun first?  Then go after the kids?  What do you do?  If I get the kids first which is my instinct, will I have time to get to the gun or will it become a hand on combat with the intruder?  This is something I pray I never have to find out.  I don’t live in a bad neighborhood but it’s not great either.  We have our normal every few months there is someone who goes down the street messing up every car parked on the street and checking the rest of the cars in the driveways for unlocked doors.  There is also a new set of neighbors that moved in about a week ago and their car alarms keep going off.  The thing about it is, you don’t know whose it is when it happens until you actually look.  My truck was broken into over mother’s day weekend because I forgot to lock the doors.  So, when the alarm started going off I was so mad I wanted to go get the gun load it and go out there.  I was pissed the alarm went off for so long that the sound of the alarm stopped but the lights were still going.  I had my shoes and jacket on when I was trying to think do I walk over with the gun or without and knock on their door?  When they finally came out and turned it off.  Then tonight their other car alarm went off and my husband laughed at me because I just got up and went out the front door.  I was so pissed thinking it was my car.  He wanted to know what I was planning on doing.  The thing is that tonight I didn’t even think about grabbing the gun but just catching someone in the act and yelling at them.  What would that do?  It’s so funny when you think about it.   Here I am this little girl that has never been in a fight ready to go and take on some jerk trying to break in my car.  I did the same thing the other day.  I was sitting on the couch with the baby and I saw someone walking right across the front of the house.  Then I saw the reflection of them around my car.  The dog was outside going crazy.  I thought about grabbing the gun and going out there but knew they would be gone.  Then instead like a crazy person I flung open my front door and yelled “Can I help you!”  I was so nasty when I said it and I still had the baby on my hip.  The person turned around and told me they just put something in the mail box.  I felt so bad when I pulled the flyer out.  It was for the neighborhood watch.  Well, at least they know I am watching I thought.  But what was I thinking I had the baby on my hip?  It was like this time in Germany.  We lived in stairwell housing and to a normal person you had to pay attention to the buildings or you would pass up yours.  So to a drunken person walking home it was hard to know if you were in the right one.  On one night my now oldest was wide awake at 2 in the morning and in his walker, just happy as could be.  We were around a corner in the house and the front door opened and closed.  I grabbed him up and yell someone was in the house.  My husband poor man got up out of bed so fast screaming but naked “Get the F… out of my house!”  It’s funny now when we think about it.  At the time it was scary!  The person stood outside and knocked on the door.  He wanted to apologize for walking in the house explaining he had mixed up the buildings.  It was crazy the person ended up being someone we actually knew.  The thing is though; if it had been someone else the baby probably would have been safer in the walker.  Instead my instincts kicked in and I just wanted to hold him in my arms.  Which leads me to wonder what goes through some peoples head?  We were talking to some friends who responded to a call where this woman had thought someone broke in her house and had her baby in her arms outside refusing to go back in until a cop went in.  Okay no biggie right?  No, the cop asked her was there anyone else in the house other then the possible intruder?  Well she said “Kind of, my 5 year old is still inside sleeping.”  What?  I would have woken up a neighbor and left the baby there while I went in and found my oldest.  There is no way I would have left him in the house, even if I had to take the baby with me and carry them both out.  Where, then you think well, I am already in.  Did someone really come in?  Did the door just pop open from not being closed properly?  Do I go in my room and try to get the gun and make my way out?  With so many what ifs do you have time to think about it all?  So, yes a gun does provide home protection for the family.  Getting to it when the time calls isn’t always a priority to me as a mom and that’s why it gives me that false sense of security.