Squeaky’s Blog

I have been talking to a few friends about what they got their kids and how they do Christmas.  I am surprised to find out that they only buy a few presents like no more than 3 or 6 per child.  So, then I think about what I got the boys and just wonder.  I know I am cheap and I never spend a lot on anything.  I think the most I spent was on WC’s scooter which was $30 but everything else was $10 or less.  I think 3 things for Giggles was just over $10.  So, does not spending a lot make it easier to get more or just make me spoil them?  I know a bunch of crap came from the dollar store but that was the silly things that they want.  I keep thinking about what I got and where I got it from and wonder how they ended up with so much.  I think maybe because I spent it in different places at different times.  I know my mom helped a lot!  We have a five below store back home and she picked up a bunch of stuff and sent it to me.  Those were probably some of the nicer gifts too.  I mean I got WC a Spiderman game for his Gameboy that he is getting for $5.  The Gameboy cost me nothing though since I found it in the garage a few months ago.  It was DP’s I think but we don’t use it and why not it will be great for the car and the house time he will be limited though!  Then Giggles I found a few toys at Ikea (well my mom-and sent them to me), a few at Target (the ones just over $10) and had them mailed with free shipping and then a few from Family Dollar so they really did get a lot but I don’t think I spent that much on them.  All the stocking stuffers came from the dollar store or clearance racks for a buck.  I am really cheap and though I don’t think their toys reflect that.  I know a few things might but they are things that WC asked for and has bugged me about getting like a paddle ball and a jump rope.  All that being said I think I spent $100 on each kid and they have almost 20 gifts just gifts not stocking stuffers, which they have a stocking for each of them and then a stocking that is the same (like life savers, playing cards, ugh I forget but it’s the stuff you get both).  So, is that too much to spend or a normal dollar amount and if no that’s about what most parents spend then is near 20 gifts too much even if a bunch are little things?  They are still small so a lot of the things they get are small but when they get older I am sure it will change.  I know I was stressing when I started trying to get the gifts but I looked around and shopped sales and smart I think.  I don’t think I ever realized how many gifts they had until I went to wrap them.  Now I keep thinking they are going to open all these presents in front of our family and I don’t know what they are going to think.  I didn’t put anything on a credit card and I paid all my bills too along the way.  So, why do I keep feeling like I have to defend myself for what I got them or explain that I didn’t spend a lot?

DP had to go out of town this weekned and WC wanted to do something fun since he couldn’t go.  I thought it would be nice to take WC and Giggles to Chuck E Cheese.  It always sounds like a good idea when we plan it.  Then we get there and it’s another story.  The place was packed and the only tables that were empty were reserved.  I understand that you can have parties there but wow!  I mean the idea was to get pizza and then let the boys play.  It took over 30 minutes to find a table and then it was too small so we atleast got a break for a while until a bigger one was available.  I guess it could have been worse.  But hey we got a table eventually and the kids ate and all should have been happy.  However you know life is rarely smooth.  The kids did have fun I have to say.  Giggles had some moments of fustration.  He was so tired and wanted to run around and play but it was just me and a friend who brought her daughter.  We had to take turns checking on the kids and sitting at the table with the food.  I mean who wants to trust people to not steal your things or spike your drinks?  I guess the better thing would have been to feed the boys first and then go.  I think the next time we will do that and take in a small backpack for the diapers and wipes.  That would make more sense then I can run around after the kids and let them play with less stress and hassel.  It was crazy and my friend that came was nice to have but we really didn’t get to talk because we were worried about the kids and too busy constantly chasing after them.  I think it’s a reminder of why I don’t really take the boys to the park but have people here and spend so much time in our yard.  It’s hard to talk and hang out with friends when you are constantly worried about your kids.  I have to say the Play Place (indoor kids playground) is a lot better since it’s smaller and more confined too.  It is more of a way to let run off energy then spend money on games.  They do have a small game section but it’s more of a playground than anything else.  I also think the stress level is so much smaller.  The down side is according to my mother we all get sick after going.  I know the last we did but we were just starting to get sick and didn’t know it.  It was one of the colds that we just passed back and forth for 2 months.  We would all take turns for a week being sick then better for a week or two and start over again.  So, the last time it wasn’t because of going but I am not ready to put it to the test.  Oh well, maybe I will learn from my mistakes and the next trip to The Devil’s Playground will go smooth after all once again we have coins left to use another day.

 The last time I took WC shopping for clothes he told me that everything I picked out was lame.  I mean everything.  I had to let him pick out the clothes and it was more trouble than it was worth.  So, today I found him a few things and on my way to pick him up I remembered the last trip.  I had to find a way to keep him from telling me the clothes were lame.   I was not taking them back and he was going to be okay with it.  Well I remembered our neighbors son.  He is a senior in high school and he and his friend actually play with WC.  WC thinks they are the coolest thing around and this was my way to not being lame.  I came up with this story of how this guy just like them was in the store and I asked him what was cool and what was lame.  I told him how he said the ones I bought were cool but the others lame and so I didn’t get him those.  I couldn’t make him wear lame clothes!  So, I told WC that I hoped he liked them and they really were cool cause the guy said they were.  WC was so excited.  I was worried still but when we got home he loved all of the clothes so what ever works right?  I feel bad still for the tall tale I told.  I guess I will have plenty more years of being told I am lame so I should I have to use all the help I can.  It’s still amazing the things I will do for my kids.

I have two Facebook accounts and I use them both.  I have to say I use the one for my site a lot less but I have it.  As for my personal page I use it all the time.  I am always logged into it.  I love the applications and play a ton of games.  I usually go strong on one game then change to a new one and go back and forth.  I also like everyone else post comments and keep in touch with family and friends.  It’s odd though I am not sure if I am changing or if my friends are changing.  So much in our lives has changed over the last year.  We have taken a different turn and I sometimes wonder if we will stay on this road or take another detour.  I miss the life we had before the Army moved us here and changed DP’s job.  He had the dream job he wanted, the job he joined the Army for.  But the Army had a new plan for us and we like always went with it.  We find a way to look at the positive in all our moves.  We really believe that you make each duty station good or bad.  There are some things that you can’t change that may be good or bad but if you make yourself happy in your family life it will make the time at the duty station better.  So, when we moved here we were totally excited.  We were finally closer to family and in Florida and a great location.  The job we knew for DP was going to be hard and it has.  It takes up so much of his time.  Then, comes all the new coworkers and their family members that we have here now with DP’s new job and it seems that some of them live in a different place then us.  There is the age gap, lifestyle gap, language issues, maturity level difference, and more.  There are wives that want the whole friendship and closeness but only Monday thru Thursday.  The weekends are the time when the hubby’s are home and they don’t want to be bothered with co-workers or some lame excuse of how they are worried about what their kids touching things.  It seems they all say they want an office with unity and yet they don’t want to work to make it happen.  Well, in the middle of this I have continued to use my Facebook account to help keep in touch with friends, family and the new people I have met here.  Somewhere over the last month my eyes have become open to civilian life and the stupidity of people.  I have noticed how easy and fast people on Facebook take things out of perspective and blow up.  It’s stupid little things and shows a real lack of maturity.  Why argue in comments back and forth?  Why not be the bigger person and just walk away knowing that it’s stupid?  I mean we are talking about grown people just calling others names and throwing dirt.  I was so pissed tonight that I just deactivated my personal account until I can decide what I want to do with it.  I know that I love the applications and yet I can play games online almost anywhere.  I know I have posted my opinions and they have pissed people off but then it makes me wonder?  Why do I care?  It’s my opinion and it can change or stay the same but it’s mine.  I have the right to say and feel what ever I want right?  So, tell me you don’t agree that’s fine but I am not going to change my mind because your feelings are hurt.  I am tired of listening to people bitch and complain because things didn’t work out the way they wanted.  Its life it sucks, get over it.  I complain from time to time but come on people can’t you just suck it up and move on?  Do you have to complain every comment you make?  What happened to just posting little happy things, or what’s new in life, and the occasional complaint?  I love using Facebook and it’s killing me not to be able to log in and play all my silly little applications that I really don’t have time for but I just don’t know if it’s worth the headache.  Who knows maybe in the morning I will have a change of heart and a plan to make it enjoyable again.

It all started on Thursday when I went to pick WC up from pre K.  It was so nice out Giggles and I had the windows down in the car.  We were almost at WC’s school when Giggles started shouting ball, and pointing out the window.  He had thrown his bouncy ball out the window.  This was one of the few balls he knew was his and only his.  It was the cutest one I had seen in a long time.  It was white with the shiny colored confetti mixed in.  On our way back home we stopped a few times and I walked down the street looking for it and I think we drove like 5 miles an hour some of the way.  Well I gave up and we went home.  I went to get him out of his seat and he looked at me and said ball like I was supposed to have it and hand it over to him.  My heart broke for him over this silly little ball.  I thought to myself wow the things I will do to make my kids happy.  So I guess we will make a trip to the fun factory and hopefully get enough tickets to get him another one.  Then came Sunday morning and Giggles brought me one of his toys.  It was the blow up push toy that rolls back to the baby and helps them to learn to crawl.  Well he found it in his room and brought it to me and so I blew it up for him.  The whole time I was blowing it up he was smacking it and saying “ball”.  Finally, it was done and I gave him the toy and what do you know he screamed at me and shoved it back in my arms.  What?  Thinking he was unsure I rolled it on the ground and that made him scream even more.  Poor Giggles went and got it, brought it back, pointed inside the toy and said “ball”.   I finally figured it out he wanted the little balls inside the toy.  I tried to explain they wouldn’t come out but he didn’t want to hear it.  Frustrated I told him to take it to Papa and off he went whimpering “ball”.  DP apparently didn’t do anything for him because two minutes later he came back whining “ball”.  Once again, I tried to tell him they don’t come out.  Pissed off he grabbed the toy and ran into WC’s room.  A few minutes later he came back out with the toy and WC’s play chisel.  Then gave me the toy to hold as he tried to stab the seam and I couldn’t help but laugh.   Again, I tried to explain to him that that balls didn’t come out and it ended with him storming off into his room screaming and crying and shutting his door behind him.  He had to sit in his room crying for a good few minutes when I went to check on him.  The poor boy was sitting in the dark in front of his closet with another toy.  It was one where you drop the balls in and they come out on the side with extra places to drop from and come out of, and it played some music when the balls hit the bottom.  So here is Giggles crying in his room whimpering ball and holding his toy trying to shove some dog toy ball about the size of a tennis ball down the slot that a ping pong ball would fit in.  I felt bad and for him so we went to find the balls that went to the toy.  We could only find one but he was happy for a while.  Then just before dinner time he started all over again and I happened to be on the phone with my mom.  Who asked what his problem was and after I told her the story and both the toys actually came from her.  She felt so bad listening to him whimper ball that she said it was torturing him and to just pop the thing and give him the balls.  Okay I figured she bought and was the one saying pop it so what the hell.  I got a steak knife, sliced a big whole and gave Giggles the balls.  That child was so happy.  He ran into the other room with all three balls to show DP.  Then he ran to his room and sat down with his toy and dropped his balls in with the biggest smile on his face.  He sat and played with that toy and then when he came out into the living room he brought the toy and the balls.  He wasn’t about to let them out of his sight after all he went through to get them.  Even this morning when he got up he ran straight for the balls with a big smile on his face.

We all know the saying “An eye for an eye.”  There are times in life where we know something is wrong yet do it anyway.  Sometimes with out hesitation and others we ponder over what to do, knowing the consequences could be great.  In general though I think most people believe in Karma and try to do what’s right until they are crossed.  It’s our instinct to protect ourselves and our children.  When someone hurts a child people all over the world feel for the parent and child.  We know how much we love our own and the thought of something happening to them tears us up inside and out.  We seem to long for that revenge and justice for a child more than we do for our own.  It’s widely know that if you hurt a child and are caught, charged and sent to jail that the other inmates will take their turns taking out their anger for the situation on the person.  I have no problem with this.  I think if you are bold enough to hurt a child then you can suffer the consequences what ever they may be.  I think sometimes it’s better to let a man suffer in jail being abused by other inmates then to give them the death penalty.  The death penalty to me is like suicide.  It’s a way out when you can’t deal with the current situation going on in your life what ever it may be.  To me it seems to lack any real punishment.  I believe when you are dead that’s it there is no rotting in hell or going to heaven, your just dead.  So if someone commits some unbelievable act on a child then I think they should suffer, after all it’s an eye for an eye.  What kind of quality of life does a prisoner have really when he is being tortured every chance the other prisoners can.  I have my own children and remember what it was like when they were newborns fresh home from the hospital.  They were so small and fragile and the love I had for them was and is still immeasurable.  I can’t think what I would do if they were hurt then or now.  So, when I saw a link on Facebook where a father raped and beat his 8 day old daughter I almost puked!  I thought about my friends with baby girls and changing their diapers wondering how in the world a grown man could get his penis in them.  The pain that baby had to go through and then to be beaten after.  This was not by some stranger or extended family member but her father!  Her father!  I just can’t understand.  I am holding back tears thinking of the pain she went through and the trauma that will stay with her for the rest of her life.  If she lives this will be public record or at the very least know by the family.  When she gets older and starts asking questions what will her mother be able to say?  It’s not going to be something that can be lied about.  It’s going to come out.  How do you explain this to her?  Not only did the poor baby girl live through this but now she will eventually find out the truth and have to come to some sort of terms later in life.  She will not only suffer now from the actual abuse but the mental abuse that this will bring later.  A part of me thinks that if she lives the mother should pack up with her change the names of them both and cut all ties to the family and start over.  Then maybe just maybe they both can put this behind them and pray that it never comes out and have some sort of a normal life.  The problem is that the mother is only 15.  The father on the other hand was 18 and yes that’s young but there is no excuse for what he did.  I have no desire to know why he did it.  I am shocked that he lived long enough to be arrested.  I think if it had been me I would have killed him.  It’s hard enough for me to listen to DP yell at the boys when they need to be yelled at.  So, I can’t imagine what kind of rage went through the mother and family.  A friend of mine said she would like to hear what the 18year old father had to say and you know I really just don’t care why.  He and the mother created that baby girl and he just hurt her more than anyone ever could with his actions.  It’s one thing if she had gone through this by some stranger or extended family member but this was her father.  This is the man that created her and was supposed to love her and protect her from all the evil things in the world.  Yet he just became her worst nightmare.  The only thing I can put a positive on is that thank god she is so small she will never remember what happened and have to relive it for the rest of her life.  I pray that he goes to jail for life and that the other inmates beat the crap out of him daily and rape him every chance they can.  I hope he learns and feels the pain he put his baby girl through.  I hope he suffers for a long time.  I hope he comes to realize how unspeakable this act was and that one day after he has been forced to suffer over and over takes his own life.  After all, his life is now worthless because of his actions.  I pray that this baby girl never has to know the pain of what he did.  I pray that she makes it and grows up to be a healthy woman with a life filled with love and happiness.

Here is the link to the story:

http://www.myeyewitnessnews.com/news/local/story/Father-Charged-with-Rape-of-8-Day-Old-Baby/gWsjkpvEAUSWeDaSwofKRA.cspx

I remember the book from growing up and I have to say that even over the years I still hate it.  It’s another one of those things that gives me the creeps.  I think it’s got to be because of Halloween right around the corner all the dark and gloomy things are coming out and I keep remembering a new thing from my childhood I hate.  I don’t know what it is about the book that I dislike and a part of me thinks I should go back and read it.  I just don’t see that happening though.  I honestly am wondering if it’s just the pictures because that’s what I always see.  I was talking to DP about this the other night and he thinks I am kind of crazy.  I can’t blame him though.  I told him that if he wanted to take WC to see it to go ahead and take him but I wouldn’t be going.  I hate that book so much that I told DP I don’t want the book or the movie in the house!  I am going to tell the family that I would appreciate it if no one bought it for him since he will not be allowed to watch it when I am home.  How sad is that?  It’s like the Nutcrackers, or the Dark Crystal to me.  They are both movies I hate.  I can’t stand Nutcrackers so much that I refuse to own any!  I don’t even like to look at them on display anywhere.  My mom says that when I was really little maybe 4 or 5 that I was forced to watch the Nutcracker and have hated it ever since.  I can understand that, since the part I remember even now is where the mice were running around all evil like terrorizing people.  That’s all I see when I think of that movie or see a Nutcracker.  So, it’s weird because I love Christmas so much but at the same time I know that there will be Nutcrackers out their terrorizing me.  As for the Dark Crystal I am not sure what happened.  I remember watching the movie a lot as a child even though it scared me at times, I would watch it again.  I think there was even a point when I loved the movie.  Somewhere though I became to hate it.  I think one thing it shares with the other two is the dark characters.  I am not sure though because I love the movie The Labyrinth.  It’s a little dark too but I love David Bowie.  I mean who doesn’t love that man!  That must be why I am okay with that movie after all dark and scary things are always better when it’s someone you have a childhood crush on right!?

There is this commercial that comes on down here and I swear it freaks me out!  Well there are a few of them.  This one is for Blue Man Group.  I had never heard of them until we moved here.  I guess they are some big attraction at Disney or Universal.  They are men dressed all in black with blue paint all over their face/skin everything that’s not in black is blue.  It’s the freakiest thing I have ever seen.  I know some people are afraid of clowns and for me I have never been bothered by them.  This group of guys though!  Wow they are strange and maybe the show they perform is cool but you won’t catch me watching.  I can’t stand the commercial so much that I have to turn away.  I wonder am I the only one?  I mean they are some big thing down here.  I don’t get it.  Someone explain this craziness to me please.

 WC turned 5 this month.  I keep remembering all the little things we did over the years.  He has grown so much over the last 2.  I keep thinking that we just moved from Germany to Oklahoma.  When he turned 2 we spent the day together eating breakfast at Denny’s and then the local park that he loved.  I remember how small he was and people just loved him. I remember how on the way out of Denny’s I gave him a dollar bill and he put it in the broken game machine.  I felt bad for him because he was upset he didn’t get to play but at the same time I was happy since I had almost given him a larger bill.  I keep thinking of all those moments and wondering where all the time went.  I keep telling myself I need to write it all down because I am afraid one day I will forget or won’t be here to tell him the stories.  I want to continue to have those special moments and watch him grow.  Then I wish he would stay small forever.  I know that won’t happen.  He has started school (Pre K) and now I have to buy his clothes in the boy section.  I knew I would one day but I just wasn’t ready for it.  I guess I may never really be ready for all the milestones as they come.  But hey it’s like the saying goes one step/day at a time.

I decided to try to go back to work.  I keep hearing people talk about how hard it is to get a job and I have had 3 offers since we moved here in February.  The first was supposed to be a trainer position for a life insurance company but you had to start as a sales person first.  So, yeah that wasn’t going to happen.  The second one was to be a manager on duty for a local movie store.  They wanted to pay minimum wage and give 20 hours a week.  So once again that wasn’t going to happen.  Then I called a few Vet Clinics and what do you know I had a job.  I started on Tuesday morning.  It was just a receptionist position so this was something I could do in my sleep.  I have worked for the Army for years in Vet Clinic’s after all.  I am a quiet person at times but for the most part I like to talk and am usually the goofy one.  I make faces, skip in the halls, and do crazy silly things because I hang out with the kids all day and I think it’s just embedded in me.  But this was my first day and I was tired from being in the ER with Giggles all night.  So, knowing all the things that normally piss off the doctors I stayed up front and did the busy work.  You know the work that takes time but you never want to do.  I filed all the files from the morning clients and pulled the next days and got them in order as to how they were coming in.  I had been answering phones, and learning the computer system.  That was the funny part because at first the office manager told me she was going to wait to teach me but hey it’s slowing down and there wasn’t anything else for me to do so I started checking people out.  I had been sitting back taking note of everything, how the clinic ran and seeing where they needed a little work.  I noticed that the only time they talked was when it was to bitch about a client.  I noticed how they were somewhat rude to clients without being completely obvious.  I saw how they yelled across the counter to the clients instead of completely checking them.  There were a lot of little things that they could have done to make the clinic more efficient and run smother but it was my first day so I kept my mouth shut.  I figured in time I would bring up ideas but today was not the time.  Well lunch time came around and everyone went to lunch and I sat outside and ate and walked around the farm looking at the horses.  Then after lunch was over they started getting clients in again slowly so there wasn’t much to do and one of the receptionists asked me to come with her.  I followed her to the back and said cool you have something for me to do.  That was when she told me it wasn’t going to work out.  I looked at her and said what?  I am being fired?  Why?  I thought maybe I had pissed of a client or one of the doctors and waiting for the answer trying not to cry I was told the doctor said I was too quiet.  Too quiet!  It’s my first day it’s only been 4 hours.  What did she expect me to come in and be loud and obnoxious?  I know I was told they tried to tell her but apparently the doctor had made up her mind.  I was told sorry and that if she the doctor didn’t want me there than I didn’t want to be there either.  She would make my life hell they said.  I was upset and confused and then was told they would write me a check for my time.  What I don’t even want the money I told the receptionist.  I called DP all upset and told him what happened and he came to get me.  He had a hundred reasons of why and that it was BS and wanted to go in and yell at them.  He said no one gets fired on their first day.  Well I just did and it only took me 4 hours.  He tried to make me feel better and I love him for that and then he took me to his office where our friend who had the boys and my car was going to meet me.  Yeah I didn’t have a car I had decided that since the job was a two week trial that I would have a friend keep the boys, my car and take WC to school and just pick me up when I got off.  This way if it didn’t work out I could keep him in the same school and wouldn’t have to put either one of the boys through so much change for nothing.  I am glad I did it that way because WC doesn’t like change and this was going to give him time to get used to everything.  But in the end I didn’t have to change a thing.  I am contemplating looking again.  I really do like staying home and the freedom of not having a job but I would love the extra money.  I have called a few Vets in town and they all want me to come in and drop off a resume and fill out an application for when they do have an opening but I am not sure I want to.  I know the saying when the horse bucks you off get right back on.  I know that I should just suck it up and keep on trying but in the end I am not completely sure that working is what I want to do.  I want to go back to school and get my degree.  I want to work but I also love my time with the boys and I am just not sure I am ready to give that up.  Who knows only time will tell.  I just hope I can make it past 4 hours on the next one.